All my life, or at least almost as long as I can remember I wanted to gain knowledge and wisdom. But it wasn’t simply book learning I was interested in, or an intellectual interest, there was more to it.
Searching for Practical Spiritual Knowledge
When I was still quite young I would go to the spiritual section of the library and read books on the paranormal and various forms of meditation practice. As I got older I would scour the Internet to try and find different ways to increase psychic faculties and have out-of-body experiences, and searched for online places of spiritual knowledge.
It was that sort of knowledge that I was looking for, the “how-to” knowledge of the metaphysical side of life that I felt was there somewhere, hiding. Yet so far, I had only come across superficial or not-very-practical stuff, no matter what sort of books or websites I read.
Sometimes I would get this feeling welling up inside me that I couldn’t explain – an intensely strong yearning for more than I currently had in my life. It would come at the strangest times.
One memorable example was when I was stopped at pedestrian traffic lights waiting to cross a fairly busy intersection. This feeling came out of nowhere – it felt like a living golden liquid that filled up inside my chest and radiated outwards. It was an amazingly blissful feeling – I wanted to experience it again but I had no idea how to recreate the feeling as it had come of its own accord.
I know now after doing Belsebuub’s Searching Within course that the feeling I had was a strong experience of consciousness, but back then I still did not know what it was.
I kept searching, trying out different things and ended up quite depressed as I didn’t even know where to begin looking for what I felt I was missing. I didn’t even know what it was specifically I was looking for.
Hitting a Road Block: Depression
Looking at my external surroundings, depression seemed so unlikely. I’m lucky to always have had a loving, supportive family. I had a nice girlfriend and a job that wasn’t too bad, but I had always struggled with emotional difficulties. I was a shy, fearful and introverted kid with anxiety issues, and I had been bullied a bit growing up.
To give an example of the kind of emotional difficulties I faced, I had spent the whole first six months of high school feeling sick to my stomach as I found the new environment and not knowing anyone so confrontational. It was so bad I would sometimes deliberately try to make myself ill before school so I wouldn’t have to go.
So even though I had good external surroundings and everything I needed in life, I was a mess on the inside. This, combined with feeling like I needed to search for something I had no idea how to find, is what I believe led to the depression.
A Change in Direction
My girlfriend’s father at the time was a doctor and arranged for me to see a counsellor. I poured my heart out to the counsellor and at the end of the session she said “Don’t tell anyone I’m doing this”. Then she handed me the number of a spiritual healer.
The number sat on my desk for a couple of weeks and I kept looking at it, but as it turned out I didn’t need that number – not long after I saw a flyer advertising a free course by Belsebuub, which changed the trajectory of my life for the better completely.
I saw the poster for Belsebuub’s course when I was out one evening late. I thought it looked interesting, and the fact that the course was free was a benefit as I didn’t have a lot of money at that time. Then I promptly forgot about it. A few days later though I woke up remembering the name of the website from the poster, and decided to check it out.
I didn’t know at that point how amazing this course and the following series of courses would be for my life.
The poster I saw was from Belsebuub’s course on astral travel and dreams. I learned how to remember and interpret my dreams (prior to this all I’d remembered were a few lucid dreams, a whole lot of nightmares, and a minority of other dreams that were in one way or another impactful).
I also learned how to start building my concentration and to have out-of-body experiences. I got so much out of this course that once I finished it I decided to continue to Belsebuub’s Searching Within course.
I didn’t know it yet, but I had found what the part inside of me was crying out to search for, and I would now have what I needed to fix all the emotional difficulties I’d been having.
The Searching Within Course
Prior to doing the course I had always been very interested in astral projection, but I hadn’t known much about self-knowledge, which was the main focus for the Searching Within course. It turned out to be my favorite aspect of spiritual study.
The Searching Within course totally turned my life around. Before I came across Belsebuub’s work, I had come to the conclusion through movies such as Fight Club and other reading that I would have to destroy or distance myself from all my attachments and the positive things in my life in order to grow as a person.
In the Searching Within course however, Belsebuub explained that this was the wrong approach completely and that to truly gain wisdom and understanding it was important to be involved in life.
The reason for this was because all the events and situations of life, and all the challenges and relationships of daily living, for instance in my job, with my family and so on, were where I could learn the most about myself.
I thought it was also interesting that my whole life I had felt like knowledge and wisdom was important and something to aspire too, and then I found a course on self-knowledge where one of the weekly topics was literally called ‘Wisdom and Understanding” and was all about how to gain both of those in the situations and circumstances of life. I finally was able to understand part of my life-long yearning, it wasn’t just knowledge I was looking for, it was self-knowledge.
It was somewhat of a relief to come to that realization, something I had never understood prior to finding Belsebuub’s course!
Learning the Tools to Grow in Understanding
In the Searching Within course, Belsebuub explained in a really clear and accessible way about awareness of the present moment, and how being aware could temporarily wake up a spiritual part of ourselves called the consciousness.
This finally helped me to understand the experiences I had previously that I had been looking to recreate for so long, where I had felt (without understanding what was happening) my consciousness activating spontaneously.
Belsebuub also taught about self-observation, looking within to see the thoughts and emotions in the different places in the body where they arise, and how to understand them.
The way Belsebuub explained these practices and concepts was really approachable and understandable. I had read about similar concepts in other spiritual texts but they were too obscure for me to understand and properly implement previously.
Practicing awareness of the present moment brought me much greater enjoyment of life, and I would often go for long walks around the streets in my neighborhood, just taking in the beauty of things. It was like I was seeing life for the first time.
Before learning about awareness I did not really know what it was to be present, or in the moment. My mind would often run at a million miles an hour and it was hard for me to ever be concentrated on what I was doing or focused on anything.
I had songs stuck in my head all the time, and I had grown up living in an almost perpetual daydream.
For my entire high schooling I walked to the end of my street every school morning to catch the bus, yet I was so caught up in my mind that I barely knew what houses were on my street, not even seeing a house which was completely painted bright orange during all these years!
I tried to practice awareness and self-observation as much as possible – at home, at university, at work. I would lose awareness often and my mind was still busy, but I started to experience some moments of peace.
This was a massive, massive relief. I didn’t realize there was a difference between internal and external peace but now I’d take internal peace any day. Having learnt to be still in my thoughts and emotions seems to give me a much better ability to withstand any external chaos.
In contrast, prior to learning about awareness and self-observation from Belsebuub I had experienced many externally “peaceful” environments such as times of quiet, being in nature, but I still had all these painful thoughts and emotions going on inside me – making for an experience that was far from pleasant or peaceful at all!
By really trying to apply what I was learning in the Searching Within course my life took on much more depth and meaning and became so much more enjoyable.
In awareness, everything took on a whole new dimension. It was like when I was stuck in thoughts and emotions I saw everything in a flat, two-dimensional way, but when I was aware I could see and experience everything in full three dimensions and surround sound.
Textures, colors, shapes, all became more vibrant and interesting. Sometimes I would spend time just feeling things, like the wooden surface of the desk in my bedroom – it was like I had never really felt anything properly before. Even things like seeing all the blades of grass on a lawn rather than just a green blur or seeing leaves moving in the wind was a novelty and I took much more enjoyment in the simple things of life.
Practicing mantras
In the Searching Within course Belsebuub also talked about mantras, a form of meditation practice which has become one of my favorites. My concentration has never been great and I have trouble relaxing my body, but I found mantras to improve and help me with both.
Belsebuub explained mantras help to improve one’s inner state and energetic level, increasing access to psychic faculties such as intuition.
While I have had a number of experiences with psychic faculties like this since, such as knowing who is going to call before I pick up the phone, knowing what someone is going to say before they say it, guessing the right answers to questions when the answers are obscure, having intuitive forewarnings of dangerous situations, etc., the greatest benefit I’ve gained from practicing mantras has been experiencing more conscious feelings.
I have also found that using mantras together with awareness of the present moment has helped me to remember my dreams more easily, and that they have become clearer, less chaotic and more meaningful. And since doing the Searching Within course I also no longer have nightmares which has been a big relief.
Understanding myself
I also found that with Belsebuub’s clear and in-depth instructions about the spiritual aspects of psychological states, combined with practical experience of his work, I started being able to see positive changes in myself during the day as well.
I would be less reactive in difficult situations, and I generally felt a lot calmer, clearer, level headed and at peace.
I started to have more patience with things that had otherwise irritated me terribly (like the sound of people chewing) and I began to overcome the boredom I had always experienced which was pervasive and highly uncomfortable.
By understanding the way emotions like fear and anger were working I could have some degree of separation from them. This caused them to lose their strength and not persist as long, even with the strongest emotions which had previously been crippling, like depression and anxiety.
Interestingly I have read other modern day “spiritual” books that appear to cover similar subject matter, but after reading and experiencing what Belsebuub explains, it’s clear that these works do not have the same level of wisdom, nor the required guidance and information to lead to fundamental inner change.
For example, there are books that I have read that state that simply becoming aware in the present moment gets rid of emotional states, however I’ve found this to be incorrect.
I’ve found that even though awareness allowed me to generally become calmer, and to detach to a certain degree from troublesome thoughts and emotions, awareness on its own would not remove my inner states but rather cause them just to subside for a time. And if the right mix of external pressures arose later, then the same emotions would still be there to come to the surface and would still arise strongly enough that they would control my thoughts and actions.
What I learned in Belsebuub’s Searching Within course, however, helped me to understand myself in a way that was an excellent primer for more advanced spiritual practices beyond awareness that Belsebuub explained in his later courses.
With the understanding gained through practicing the introductory exercises from the Searching Within course, I was then able to use techniques from Belsebuub’s other books and courses to finally be able to remove those troublesome thoughts and emotions completely.
For example, the depression that caused me so much suffering – to the point of not being able to get out of bed – is now gone. It’s been many years since I felt more than the slightest twinge of depression, and if it comes up the techniques I have learned from Belsebuub means it doesn’t last long.
I no longer have the same issues with anxiety that I used too and I haven’t been bored for as long as I can remember, even when there’s nothing externally to keep me occupied. I have gained more patience, and things like waiting in line no longer bother me, since with awareness, there is always something new to learn about myself and my surroundings. I know what to do now if songs or other persistent thoughts are threatening to get stuck in my head so they don’t have the same hypnotic kind of power over me. And I also feel generally much more able to see situations and make decisions more clearly, and have the capacity to deal calmly with situations that I previously would have found very challenging due to the types of emotions they brought up.
Without the grounding from Belsebuub’s Searching Within course and then further techniques in his more advanced courses I don’t think I ever could have had these positive changes and experiences in my life.
Developing a Connection with Spirit
Maybe the most amazing benefit of the Searching Within course however, was where Belsebuub talked about the relationship we have with our own Being – the aspects of our consciousness that are like internal mother and father figures and that help and guide us spiritually.
Belsebuub talked about how to develop this relationship, to strengthen it, to rely on these inner aspects of oneself for guidance. This guidance and relationship, along with an internal form of prayer has become very important in my life.
Growing up I often felt like an outsider. I had a lot of friends including some very close ones and yet I never fully felt like I fit in anywhere, and as a result I often felt alone. I know now and have felt however that I am never alone, that these aspects of my inner Being are always there whenever I am in need. Despite being unable to see them physically, their presence and influence in my life has been something completely tangible.
Words unfortunately cannot do this internal relationship justice as it’s such a personal thing, yet I also know that without learning about or trying to develop my relationship with spiritual beings and spiritual forces both within and outside of myself in daily living, I don’t think any of my understanding of awareness, self-observation or overcoming difficulties would have been possible.
I feel like it was these parts of myself that kept pushing me to search and led me to find Belsebuub’s work. Then Belsebuub’s work explained what I was feeling and missing, put spirituality into a greater overall picture of the purpose of life, and gave me the understanding and practices I needed to begin understanding myself and life in a more conscious way.
This understanding of the bigger picture and of fundamental spiritual principles is something I feel is sorely missing from modern day commercial spiritual books where spiritual topics and practices are explained in a way that is often completely divorced from spirit.
Out of all the books and information on awareness and spiritual practice I’ve read by far and away Searching Within is the clearest, most accessible, and also the most useful spiritual book that I have ever read as it has helped me to change my life for the better in a permanent way. Prior to finding out about Belsebuub’s work, no other book or article I had come across had given me a way to do that.
I would recommend Searching Within to anyone who wants to massively improve their life. I can’t count the number of times I have read it in book form, and I get something new out of it every time.
It’s a book that contains a deep meaning which is accessible on many different levels. As I have learned more about myself, tried the exercises and developed greater understanding, I have found more and more of that meaning has become available to me.
Belsebuub’s Searching Within book is a doorway into understanding, and one that with practice, continuously opens up more of life itself.
~ David
Thanks David, it’s great to read how coming in contact with the practises of self knowledge helped you. I’m sure many people can relate to your feelings of anxiety and depression, it’s just a shame that there’s little depth to the guidance that generally circulates.
That counselor must have recognised the root of your worries had a spiritual root. Though in a way everyone’s worries come from this disconnect to the spiritual, not everyone is aware of it. I remember also visiting a therapist in college, but I just felt like I couldn’t tell her anything because she wouldn’t understand – I’d kind of realised by this point that not everyone felt the same sorrow at a lack of spiritual direction.
I can relate to your experience of depression. Though I was a pretty fearless kid and teenager, I just hit a wall at some point and became desperate when I realised not everyone shared the spiritual longings I felt and that no-one could guide me with it. Luckily, that all changed when I found the courses on Mystic Web and the Searching Within course in particular helped me to unwind destructive emotional patterns.
Hopefully more people can come in contact with this life-changing information …
Wishing you all the best with uncovering more of the wisdom available with the self-knowledge practises!
Reading about your time when coming across that poster just seems tremendous and magical to me! like a moment in your history. That may sound a bit over the top for just seeing a poster, but not when knowing what it entailed. A change in life.
Also interesting about that referral to a spiritual healer. Perhaps not what you needed, but it seems the currents of life about to send you in a different direction were already flowing?
I can relate to the things you mention in ‘Learning the tools to grow in understanding’ David.
Unfortunate to read you felt so anxious in the new school environment btw. I felt similar on my first day of high school in the ‘big’ city, this fear was so crippling and horrible! But for me it waned after a few weeks or so. To have feelings like that for much longer sounds terrible actually. I can see how having the ability to make changes in depressive states like that must’ve been so liberating.
Lovely account David and I cannot agree more with the last section of it. That last line is really beautiful, thank you!
Thanks so much for sharing this account of your journey to gain self-knowledge David. As I read it, I could see many parallels with my own life and could relate to a lot of what you said.
As a teenager and young adult, I also had the feeling of not quite fitting in, combined with the feeling of searching for something, but not quite knowing what it was or where to find it. Yet at the same time, I had a lot of anxiety, particularly around social situations and was desperate to try and fit in with my peers and be accepted.
After searching for many years, I looked into various psychological or spiritual approaches to inner change, but never really found the thing that fundamentally “clicked”. Likewise, I jumped between different studies, jobs, travelling and other interests, in order to try and bring about some kind of meaning and sense of fulfilment in my life. But while some of those pursuits were enjoyable for a period of time, something always seemed to come up to thwart my plans. With this thwarting, came the inevitable suffering, brought about by depression and other lower inner states.
When I attended my first session of one of Belsebuub’s courses, I immediately got the feeling of things falling into place, as it not only synthesized many of the seemingly disparate areas of spirituality and psychology that I had previously looked into, but it also added far more depth, while explaining things in a very understandable and practical way.
Like you, I had also read up on awareness from other authors and traditions, including a highly successful book by a well-known spiritual author. But although I found practicing awareness was in itself beneficial, I actually gave up on that particular book after reading only the first couple of chapters. A lot of what I read didn’t really make sense and some things that were proposed actually seemed harmful, such as going deeply into the state of laziness, in order to understand it.
By contrast, I found The Peace of the Spirit Within by Belsebuub explained things in a far more sensible, logical and practical way, which I could apply to my daily life in a much more realistic way. By continuing onto other courses, I also learnt that although practicing awareness is fundamental to self-knowledge, it is only a starting point, from which a much deeper inner study can take place.
This made far more sense to me than the idea that just by being in the present moment I could somehow be forever enlightened, as it was obvious that without more robust methods of changing the fundamental nature of my subconscious, those same negative emotions would keep on cropping up, taking away the feelings of peace that I gained from awareness.
I find it inspiring that through practicing the techniques you learnt from Belsebuub’s work, you were able to overcome some deeply ingrained and troubling inner states. I have also found it much easier to cope with adverse circumstances in my life, many of which would have been unimaginable to have faced, without developing the spiritual connection, which you mentioned.
I could really relate to what you said about how finding Belsebuub’s work completely changed the trajectory of your life for the better. I’ve also found his techniques to be so beneficial that going back to the lifestyle I was leading before is just unimaginable. I would also definitely recommend the Searching Within course as a valuable starting point for anyone who is interested in exploring self-knowledge and the deeper purpose of life in a far more profound way than can be found elsewhere.